Wanna Meet God in Record Time? No Problem, You're Already Late

Listen up. You're antsy, impatient. You want God and you want God now.

Fine. Let's cut through the cosmic mumbo jumbo, the religious rigmarole, and the spiritual fluff. Why? Because you don't have forever, or maybe you do, but you're not acting like it. Here's the unvarnished, inconvenient, but undeniably comical truth: getting closer to God quickly is like trying to catch your own shadow.

Fun to chase, impossible to catch. But let's give it a go.

The Instant Coffee Approach to Spirituality

You’re into quick fixes.

You want enlightenment with the same impatience you exhibit while microwaving a burrito. Gotcha. Well, here’s your cup of instant Zen: shut up and sit down. No, really. Sit down, shut up, and notice. If you're lucky, you might catch a glimpse of the godliness within.

Your odds? About as good as winning the spiritual lottery while being struck by metaphorical lightning.

The Tale of St. Augustine's Instant Coffee Moment

Remember St. Augustine? Of course you don’t, you’re too busy setting your meditation timer to five minutes.

This guy lived in the 4th century and was about as patient as a caffeinated squirrel. One day, he's mulling over some religious text when, BAM! He hears a voice: "Pick it up, read it." Does he ponder the theological implications? Nah. He reads a random passage, undergoes an instantaneous conversion and, get this, becomes a saint.

Not saying it'll happen to you, but if you buy into narratives, the story vault's crammed with wilder tales.

Forget Everything, Remember One Thing

Stop collecting spiritual action figures and theological trading cards.

They're just clutter. Want to get to God? Remember one thing: it’s not about you. The moment you make it about you is the moment you're as lost as a compass at the Bermuda Triangle.

Meister Eckhart's Forgetfulness

You ever hear of Meister Eckhart? 13th-century German theologian. That guy forgot so much, he almost vanished. He said:

"To get closer to God, become as ignorant as you were at birth."

Forget what you know and God might just fill in the blanks.

The Great Undoing: A Deceptively Simple Hack

Last bit of wisdom. Listen close. You're not going to do anything to get closer to God.

You're going to undo. The clutter, the noise, the ego – all need to be undone, like a poorly tied shoelace. Un-knot the mess and watch your feet walk the walk.

Ever read Shakespeare’s sonnets? No? Well, one line captures it: “Ruin hath taught me thus to ruminate.” Ruin, destruction, the undoing—it's through this chaos that clarity comes rushing in. A bit like pulling the rug from under your feet and finding a treasure chest.

A paradox, but a damn useful one.

All Roads Lead to You, The Cosmic Punchline

Look, if you've read this far, you're either desperate or curious.

Either way, you've been had. Not by me, but by you. Seeking God is like looking for your glasses when they're on your head. Stop chasing the ineffable, the ungraspable, the divine. You want actionable advice?

Stop acting. The joke's on you, and it's high time you got the punchline.

Embrace the absurdity, chuckle at the cosmic comedy, and maybe—just maybe—you’ll realize that you and God have been sharing an inside joke this whole damn time.

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